Goodkin

Principal of Fatherhood

When you think elementary school principal, what are the first thoughts that come to your head? Disciplinarian? Punitive? Pencil pusher? Okay, sure, those things maybe. But how about boyish charm? Quick to smile? Kind and sensitive? Culinary wizard? Humanitarian? 

The last five questions speak to some of the traits that describe Don Wilson, principal of The Wonderland Avenue Elementary School in Laurel Canyon.

goodkin caught up with Don, not to talk about his very impressive track record as a teacher and administrator, but to talk about his most “personal” accomplishment; becoming a father in his mid-forties to a son.

This is how it happened:

Don was teaching at Santa Monica Blvd. Charter, a school he believes he was “divinely” led to after being extremely unhappy in another work situation. He was teaching second grade, and about two months in, the school psychologist told him that she had a child who was severely under performing. She asked if she could put a 9-year-old boy named Andrew Velasquez into Don’s class temporarily because she felt he was not getting what he needed from his present teacher. Don said fine and took the boy in to his second grade class. It didn’t take long for Don to realize that this kid had a lot of serious problems.

“I realized pretty quick that this boy was dying on the vine. From the looks of it, he had every issue in the book, ADD, ADHD, OCD, defiant behavior, possible Aspergers, you name it. And the worst of it all was that his mother was gravely ill. So every day, after school, Andrew would go to the hospital to be with her. It was a really bad situation.”

Don told the psychologist that he wanted Andrew to stay in his class, and felt that if he had some serious structure and positive attention, Andrew could do very well. Even after just a couple of months in Don’s class, he was making some progress, but with his mother ill, his father long gone, and no one looking after him at home, Andrew was a mess; it was clear to Don that he was really struggling. One day, Don had a strong instinct that he should visit Andrew’s mother in the hospital, but at the last minute he decided not to. The next day, she passed away. “It was devastating. It felt hopeless, really. What worse thing could happen?”

Andrew could very well have become another failed statistic of a very overburdened child services system, but a series of events happened that changed that. The school psychiatrist, who really cared about Andrew and was devastated by the circumstances, asked Don point blank if he would take him. “I told her, yeah, I think I would. But there was one small problem—I was in a relationship with someone who didn’t want kids.”

Prior to this moment, Don had not seriously considered fatherhood either. “Being gay, having a family was never a real longing for me because I had sort of written it off. I had no role models that showed me it was even possible. If I had, then I probably would have wanted a really big family.”

The ironic thing is that Andrew had four uncles who could have theoretically taken him; one was Mormon, one a Jehovah Witness, another an Evangelical, and, finally, a Catholic. Perhaps the issue was that there was no sinner in the bunch? In the end, Andrew’s sixty-year old Mormon uncle took him, with mostly good intentions.

During this period, Don stayed in touch with Andrew, made sure he showed up for him on Christmas and his birthday. It was pretty clear that living with this uncle was not ideal but it was better than a foster care situation. Then, after six months, Andrew proved to be too much for his uncle to deal with. Certain circumstances led the state to step in, and Don was contacted and told that in a couple of weeks Andrew would be put in to the system.

“It’s hard to explain,” Don says, “but I had an unbelievable spiritual experience knowing that I was supposed to take him. It was just pounding in my every fiber. But, I was still with the same guy who didn’t want to have anything to do with it, so, even though it felt deeply wrong, I started actively seeking someone to take care of Andrew.”

There was a close friend of Don’s that expressed interest in adopting Andrew, so Don started exploring those possibilities. While Don knew that his friend would make a fine father figure, it all just didn’t feel right.

“I remember saying to God on a Thursday night, if you open this door, I will walk through it. Sunday morning, I woke up single.”

By that next Friday, Andrew was in Don’s house, and within six weeks Don had permanent custody. Everything was pushed through the red tape with ease, and just like that, Don became the father of an eighty-pound, kicking and screaming nine-year-old boy.

Don refused to put a label on any of Andrew’s supposed issues, but the first year it was a little bit like trying to socialize a wild animal. Andrew had absolutely no life skills, which is understandable considering his mother was ill for most of his young life and he basically raised himself. Andrew was completely addicted to fast food, something that was particularly unacceptable to Don, who lives for quality cuisine. But it was beyond not just being able to use a knife and fork correctly; Andrew simply did not understand the difference between right and wrong.

“It would have been so easy to think that he needed medication because of his off-the-wall behavior, but it turns out he did not. What he needed was structure, consistency and love.”

For three years, Don devoted himself to a hyper, intensely structured routine that he knew Andrew needed in order to change. “During that time, everything Andrew did had a consequence and a reward pattern. We had lists, we had checklists, it was crazy how regimented our lives were,” Don says, remembering.

“And you know, the biggest thing that came out of that period was not Andrew growing up, but me growing up. When he was ready, he was ready, but it was a huge transition for me to be a different kind of dad, because he was now a different kind of kid with different needs.”

Andrew is thirteen now, and Don is proud to say that he is a self-motivated, self-directed kid. The two of them, as father and son, are a dynamic duo. Granted, doing an interview isn’t the most organic way to get a sense of people, but there is no denying the simpatico between them and the role they play in one another’s lives. 

Don’s home, a Spanish Style duplex that he bought with his best friend John and his wife Holly fifteen years ago, feels like it was created with Andrew in mind. Everywhere you look there are pieces he’s picked up from trips he’s taken to Latin America or from when he lived in Mexico. Andrew’s mother was El Salvadorian, and one can imagine she would approve of the décor.

Together with Andrew, John, Holly and their three children, they have created an amazing, communal living situation. As Don explained, “We are private people but have an open door policy. If I need an egg, I go and take it out of their kitchen, and they can do the same in my home.” It’s been a really great environment for Andrew to grow it. “He’s become really close to their kids and, as any parent knows, it’s nice to have people who care and can help around you.” 

There have been times of challenge and difficulty, like when Don came out to Andrew. They were away on a trip, with a gay friend of Don’s, when the subject came up rather suddenly. Here’s how Don describes it. They were at a restaurant, and Don’s friend left the table for a moment. Andrew turned to him.

ANDREW: You sure know a lot of gay people.

DON: (taken aback) That’s true, I do. Gay people like to live in big cities because it’s a better environment for them. They don’t do so well in small towns –-

ANDREW: Are you gay?

DON: (hesitates) Well…

Don knew this was his chance to stop living this uncomfortable lie. He remembers his promise to himself that he would never lie to Andrew.

DON: Yes, I am.

ANDREW: (smiles, eyes narrow) No, seriously, Dad, come on.

DON: No, really, I am.

ANDREW: (disbelief) No no no no no…seriously…

DON: I am serious. I’m gay.

ANDREW: Seriously, seriously, Dad. Really…

DON: Really, seriously, it’s true. I'm gay.

Andrew stops eating. Tears form in his eyes.

For much of the rest of the evening, Andrew was quiet. Don explains it like this, “I came to this realization that, in his mind, he was sort of hoping that I’d get married. He would always say how much he wished his mother could see how nice he lived now, and I think he wanted to share that with her. So he put us together in his mind, and me being gay changed things. It was a big realization.”

Later that evening, Andrew called out to Don from another room.

“Dad, it doesn’t matter if you’re African American, Latino, or gay, you deserve to be called Dad.”

Dad. Funny, it’s a name that Don didn’t think he would ever get to have, but seriously could not be more deserving of. It’s interesting that the qualities that did not come to mind when describing him earlier, the ones that are normally attributed to a principal, really helped shape and structure his relationship with his son so that it would be successful. They allowed him to be the kind of father, friend, and teacher that he has become in the eyes of so many today. He attributes some of that growth to Andrew, who in turn has a father, friend and guardian that he can really admire.

Don is one of the community’s favorite leaders, and for good reason. He has proven he can listen to the needs of the children, parents, and teachers and does his best to make it all work harmoniously. It is clear to everyone that he is passionate about his job. While Don has accomplished so much in his career, his story of fatherhood illuminates more about who Don is and makes you ask yourself: What would I have done if I were in the same situation?

Check out this video of Don and Andrew. It’s pretty clear that Don is a major foodie. He’s even willing to bend his own rules to get his boy to appreciate the finer things in life...CAPERS!