Goodkin

Suddenly Sisters

I will never forget the moment I saw the email. It came just after lunch. I was at my computer, writing, while the kids were at school. The subject line was: “3313,” a number that had become loaded with meaning for my partner and I.

Let me explain: The number wasn’t an alarm code or a secret password, it was a person. A person who we had never met but were so intimate with that it’s hard to explain how much he meant to us.

Why? Well that's easy. "33", as we had come to refer to him over the years, was at least partially responsible for giving us the greatest joy we will ever will have.

"33" made us mothers.  

Here’s what the email said: 

“Hello, my name is Jaime. I live in Massachusetts with my partner Melissa and our two daughters, Larkin and Maysah. I found you on the National Sperm Donor Sibling Website and it appears that we have used the same donor – number 3313.”

Stop. A current raced through me and I stood up. My palms got sweaty and my heart began racing for an answer.

The email continued. 

“We are not looking for an extended family, but I just thought it was interesting that we both have two daughters who are the same ages as yours. When I Googled your email address (which she found on the Donor Sibling Website), it sent me to a little video that you had put up in You Tube – the "road trip" one – and it struck me how much your girls reminded me of our girls, so I wanted to reach out to you. Do not feel like you have to contact me in return, but I wanted you to know that we are here.” 


We are here. We are here. We are here. Three small words that felt like they could change everything. 

I sat there for a full minute staring at the screen feeling both fear and excitement. Fear of what, I thought to myself? Excitement for what? I finally picked up the phone and called my partner, JeJe. I could barely get the words out.

“We’ve been contacted," I said to her.

"Contacted by who?" She asked, bewildered. 

"Our daughters have relatives...siblings. Our sperm donor made two other daughters and one of the mothers just reached out to us.”

There was a long silence on the phone, and right about then I pushed “forward” on the email so she could see it herself. 

JeJe describes the moment like this. “I had chills. It was powerful to find out that our daughters suddenly had two other sisters, almost the same ages, that none of us knew about.”

Let's back track for a second. When we decided to register on the National Sperm Donor Sibling website, we did it because we had extra sperm we wanted to share with someone who may have wanted a second child. "3313" had long since retired from his run at the California Cryobank, so there was no way of getting his “stuff” without actually looking around the Internet for it. So in a way, we shouldn’t have been too surprised to have been contacted, as we did put ourselves out there. But even knowing that, I can only tell you that it felt like an enormous surprise, and in a funny way, a little bit magical. 


JeJe and I discussed what to do with this email for a full...twenty-four hours. Then, instinct took over. There was something about the tone of the email that made us both feel at ease; the way she had written, “not looking for an extended family”. There was also comfort in knowing that they lived across the country, and not in the same city. I think that for families like ours who have chosen to use an anonymous sperm donor, the idea that they could have a familial connection to another person out there is appealing in some way. Our donor, 3313, had chosen the option that if his offspring desire to know him they can make contact through the Cryobank when they turn eighteen. Then, he can refuse to meet them, or decide to meet them at that time. We always assumed that our daughters would one day probably be curious, so this felt like a step in that direction. We also really believe that our girls know that the people who love and take care of the are their family. 

We decided to respond to the email like this:

“We also have never sought out other "siblings" but there is something about knowing that they're out there that is sort of amazing. We would love to start a dialogue with you -- send photos, and just compare notes!” That's how we got to know each other for the first half of a year. 

When we all got together for the first time, it was in Upstate New York. We did not know what was going to happen or how the girls would react with each other, but in the end, it could not have been nicer. Both us, and Jaime and Melissa spent 3 days being awed by not only their similarities, but by their seemingly sincere developing friendships. It was an incredible thing to watch. But it also felt a little bit strange to know something that they did not. A couple of times it came up with our older daughter, in the most innocuous way, "How do you know these people again?" She was seven then, and pretty tuned into who the significant "characters" in our lives were. That we were suddenly vacationing with people whom she had never met or really heard of seemed a little odd to her, but was quickly derailed by the simpatico she was experiencing. During those three days, none of us mothers had brought up talking to them about what had suddenly brought us together. When I think back, it didn't seem like something that would have been remotely desireable. But then, upon parting, in a quick, impromptu mother-huddle by their packed car, it came up. I can't remember who exactly said it, but in a flash all of us agreed that we should tell them the circumstances of this blossoming relationship.


We asked the girls to form a circle with us in the grass, where we all sat, surrounded by lush green hills and horses. Jaime put it out there by saying, "One of you asked before how we all know each other," to which Ava shouted out, "Facebook?!!" And we all laughed; the adults because it broke the nervous weight of what we were about to tell them, the kids because even though they did not really understand, they could see that Ava was making a joke. But in a way, it wasn't that far from the truth. The story of these two sets of girls meeting is really a triumph of the greatest power the Internet has; to connect people to one another. It happens everyday, in meaningless and meaningful ways. For these two sets of girls, when they first heard about why they were all sitting there, together, they were in complete awe. There were some questions of the scientific variety, but they quickly paled to the concept that they could actually be related to one another. It seemed like the end of the best fairy tale they had ever heard. Both Larkin and Ava turned to their sets of mothers respectively, and asked, "So, what is she then? Is she my sister?" To which we told them they could all call each other whatever they wanted to. They both turned to each other and instantly agreed that it would have to be "sisters." 

That was almost three years ago. We have seen each other a few more times since that meeting, and each time the girls meet, they feel more connected to the idea of sisterhood. They chat on the phone, Skype or text one another. For us, it's a huge gift, to know that our daughters feel deeply connected to people who feel like family now, in the best sense of the word; the way you consider your friends like family—without the weight of responsibility and history that blood ties often come with. These are unchartered waters for donor siblings like ours, but sisterhood, no matter what era or period you enter into it, is always a good thing.